relationships with young children

Sheriff, or Ally? Rethinking Our Relationships with Young Children

Trusting children is hard. Like, really, really hard. We generally lack the language, attitudes, and habits for it. We are accustomed and expected to maintain control over a child’s actions. As an educator, I’ve worked my whole career on building a stance of trust, rather than control, towards children. It is not easy.

A key theme in my recent book is how adults turn into “sheriffs” when they are stuck in a control-oriented relationship with children, looking to catch them doing the wrong thing and reminding them to do the right thing instead. When we play the role of sheriff, the child’s resistance turns them into an outlaw. In my book, I review both how we got here, and how we can work on being an ally instead of a sheriff, supporting children instead of correcting them.

When we can become allies instead of sheriffs, there are no outlaws, only collaborators.

Here are two examples of how this plays out for me as an educator:

Trust with materials: I was sitting on the back rug in one of our two year old classrooms watching a prospective teacher play with the children. One of the students stretched his arm up towards a box of musical instruments resting on a shelf seemingly just out of his reach. The prospective teacher glanced at me – “Is it OK for him to take the box down?” The sheriff would remind the child that this toy bucket was not available right now and he could make a different choice. “Good question,” I said, and continued, “What you should know about our school is – we trust children. Follow his lead.” The teacher reached out to assist him in bringing the box down. Delighted, the child quickly picked up two rhythm sticks and began banging them together melodically. Soon, a small band erupted. Now in the role of maestro, not outlaw, the child beamed.

Trust with bodies: Richard playfully “bonked” a friend on the top of their head and smiled. A big, happy, inviting smile. But “Ow!”, and, “No!”, was the response from his possible playmates. As a sheriff, my response would be, “Hands are for playing, not hitting. Please do not bonk your friends.” But I’m doing my best to be an ally instead – to trust that Richard had good intentions that were misinterpreted rather than bad behavior that needed correction.

“Hmm, friends, it seems like Richard wants to play bonk. If you do not want to play bonk, can you scootch back a little?” As they scootched back, I looked at Richard and offered my own smile: “Richard, I love playing bonk. Do you want to bonk me?” Richard playfully tapped my head, and I laughed. I asked if I could bonk him back; he eagerly tilted his head down for me. We giggled. More friends joined in. More giggling. Richard was in the middle of it all – a safe, friendly, physical, productive social interaction. He smiled. He hugged his friends, and they hugged him back.

When are you an ally, and when are you a sheriff? What is the balance between the roles, and how do you shift from one to the other?

Noah Hichenberg, Preschool Director, Gan HaYeled Preschool at Adas Israel Congregation

Adjunct Professor, Masor School for Jewish Education and Leadership at American Jewish University

Noah.hichenberg@adasisrael.org